i recognized yet another chronic thought pattern that stirred up unnecessary emotions, holding me back from happiness in love. my mother would tell me, at a very early age, over and over – ‘you can’t trust men. never trust men. they will always let you down.’ so from before puberty i learned it was okay to offer men sex, but not my heart. this experience occurred over and over until i decided to hold everything back. i see these past obstacles/present understandings as a shift toward a deeper sense of wisdom and i’m becoming more and more grateful for my path. investigating what i thought were involuntary, mysterious, unexplainable thoughts and emotions has brought me closer to the divine. i feel more a part of the great energy of life and love than ever before. if i hadn’t lived this life just this way, i wouldn’t be here right now. and here, right now, i’m happy. i’ve been happy for quite awhile. my mind is mostly quiet and at peace.
all of these thought patterns i’ve discovered and written about here are self-centered and about ego. in the earlier stages of life, maybe they were about self-preservation/protection. once we see how they keep us from experiencing life on the level of spirit, openness and love, that’s when they dissolve. “what are the things that upset and disturb me? if small things have the power to disturb you, then who you think you are is exactly that: small. that will be your unconscious belief. what are the small things? ultimately all things are small things because all things are transient. . . (and) if peace is really what you want, then you will choose peace. if peace mattered to you more than anything else and if you truly knew yourself to be spirit rather than a little me, you would remain nonreactive and absolutely alert when confronted with challenging people or situations. you would immediately accept the situation and thus become one with it rather than separate yourself from it. then out of your alertness (mindfulness), would come a response. who you are (consciousness), not who you think you are (small me), would be responding. it would be powerful and effective and would make no person or situation into an enemy. ” (a new earth)
as i’ve worked through thoughts, judgments, emotions, old stories, i move into awareness, mindfulness. my history is just that – history. it’s no longer my identity. i can put those thoughts, judgments, emotions, and old stories to bed. everyone experiences emotional pain from childhood but mine was a long time ago and carries no weight or darkness when exposed to the light. “nothing ever happened in the past that can prevent you from being present now; and if the past cannot prevent you from being present now, what power does it have?” (a new earth). we have the gift of remaining in the present moment, where shit happens, and when i am there, it’s like living a miracle. trust me. there’s nothin’ like it. and sharing the gift of being in the present moment with the people i love allows me to see who they truly are. “to love is to recognize yourself in another. the longing for love that is in every child is the longing to be recognized, not on the level of form but on the level of Being…Human is form. Being is formless” (a new earth).
my husband is a beautiful Human Being. after the days, weeks, years of waiting for the me he knew i was to return and stay longer than a minute, i thank him. i promise to be the most compassionate, loving, funny and sexy woman to him that i know how to be. because i know he’s tired and could use a rest and because i truly see him. oh, i may ask him to hop to it now and then, but it’ll be a little bunny hop and never a leap to avoid land mines.