i recently made a commitment to watch for and lessen my reaction to judgement, defensiveness, envy and jealousy. i might have chosen these because, in my mind, i didn’t possess much of any of them and so it would be easy sailing. how wrong i was. within a day of making this promise, feelings of jealousy popped up, and surprisingly (haha), when i least expected it. i could feel the heat rise up into my face and ears, turning them visibly red. i could sense the other jealous reactions as they occurred.
i’d like to believe i was the only one who noticed. i think i actually began to whine in an attempt to have the attention move in my direction. while i was experiencing this jealous reaction, i was aware of it at the same time. i’m hoping it was less obvious and less primal than it could have been. hey, what about me thoughts were rushing through my brain as i insinuated myself with all the creativity i could muster into the scene.
looking back, i’m horrified and grateful for that moment. horrified that i honestly believed i didn’t possess any of the character traits stated above. and yet grateful for the work i’ve been doing in the area of understanding the over-reactive, constructed ego. i wonder what the scene would’ve been had i not been able to see what i was doing in the moment and curtail some of my outward expression? ughh. i know and it would’ve been humiliatingly ugly. thank the Universe, i think i may be entering into the house of wisdom, or at least i’m on the walkway leading to porch steps that will take me, eventually, up to the front door.