Doctor Judgmental

recently i called my doctor to schedule an exam. my 12 month prescription was finished and they wouldn’t extend it one month, my pharmacist informed me. no problem. when i spoke with the person answering my call at the doctors office, her tone made me immediately defensive. she, somewhat aggressively, gave me what she seemed to consider facts that should cause me to feel guilt or shame. i replied that those ‘facts’ were erroneous and explained how i recalled the ‘facts’ about my previous visit. she, once having looked a bit closer at my file, conceded, although begrudgingly. smugly i told myself i had won the battle.

i hadn’t thought very much about it at the time, with the exception of the hot internal fire it stirred up inside my gut. those sorts of conversations occur from time to time in life. i let it go almost immediately, but looking back at it, days later, i realize that i reacted to her reaction. the tone in her voice left me uneasy. i blocked it with a quick, to the point response. but i didn’t like being accused of her idea of a crime that i didn’t commit.

i was treated, as a kid, with  deeply negative judgment by my parents. i recall the tone in my mother’s voice. i remember being told, years ago, that i had that judgmental tone quite often toward the people i loved. i denied it then. it took me awhile to pull back and hear, objectively, what was coming from my mouth and mind. i wonder why it still pushes emotional buttons to hear it from someone else? i wonder why i didn’t know what it was immediately? i wonder why i was so surprised?  why did i jump into defensiveness and reaction instead of compassion and non action? she could’ve been having a very difficult day, or maybe she was feeling ill, or had just experienced an unpleasant situation prior to my call. even if that’s her normal tone of voice, i could’ve responded differently.

a great spiritual teacher once said to love every living creature as if they were your mother. a nurturing, loving, caring mother. that includes an insect, a bird, an animal, a human being. if we cared for each other that way, kindness and peace would spread in an instant. next time someone responds with anger or aggression, i can respond with love and kindness. i can learn from these experiences and not beat myself up about them. having love and kindness toward myself is the beginning of sharing it with others. how cool is that? i get to be nice to me so i can be nice to you. i could grow to like this. how about you?

About tari brand

Hi everyone! I'm so glad you're here. I hope you move closer to what your spiritual truth is in this place we call earth from reading my journal. I've been investigating for over 30 years why we're here, in this moment, and have found countless ways to help others relax and enjoy the ride. Hope you'll join me!
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3 Responses to Doctor Judgmental

  1. I use this to help myself out in challenging situations, which in my work, happens quite often… ongoing challenge for me

    Here is a variation on that mother/only child quote ….( I changed man/him to “one” ) ” in the Metta Sutta: ‘Just as a mother, even at the risk of her life, loves and protects her child – her only child – so let one cultivate this Universal Love – towards the whole universe; below, above, around, unstinted, unmixed with any feeling of opposing interest. Let one remain steadfastly in this state of mind, all the while from the time one awakes, whether one be standing, walking. sitting or lying down. This state of heart is the best in the world’.

  2. I’m working on similar challenges….I’m usually pleasant with my voice and words, but inside my head it’s not so kind. I try to think how difficult that person’s life must be if their daily interactions are harsh like that and how much/often they must suffer due to that. I’ve also been encouraged to think it through, the way you did and then to do that again doing an “analytical meditation”…sitting and quieting the mind first and then going into that reasoning. Next, to replay the situation, still while sitting…but as an outside observer to try to watch the dynamics. Then to imagine the same situation, but to visualize/act/do it in a way that is more attuned to how I’d like to be…and to imagine that and then imagine myself feeling happier afterwards and sharing my happiness with others and the other person feeling happier too. That’s one way I approach it…but it’s still challenging for me….but less than it used to be. And then there’s the practice of “give the victory to others, ” which is also a difficult for me, but good practice. I love the loving mother one..but I imagine myself as the mother and the other person as my only child…Hope you worked your way through it….sounds like you’re making good progress.

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